The Social Media Revolution: A Very Serious Analysis (Satire)

Published in Hilal English

Written By: Nadeem F. Paracha

Social media has arrived just at the right time in history. Never have the youth been so hungry for information and knowledge as they have been in the past decade and a half or so. Or maybe more. Or so. And so forth. Well, at least not since thousands of years ago when the ancient Aryan inhabitants of India surfed the surface of the planet (and the moon) and discovered uranium from which they created the world’s first nuclear-powered washing-machines in which they crisscrossed the entire face of the planet (and the moon), and, on occasion, also did their laundry in.

 

thesocialmediarev.jpgAlso, not since 501 years ago when brilliant Muslim alchemists surfed the surface of thunderstorm clouds in search of jinns from whose energy they created electricity, hundreds of years before Thomas Edison claimed that it was he who discovered electricity. If only there were Facebook and Twitter 501 years ago, Edison could never have ignored this fact. So today’s inquisitive youth are lucky to have Facebook and Twitter.


For example, they can now easily access the accumulated knowledge of a vital organization which has been behind the rise of the United States of America as a superpower and also behind the scientific prowess of the European powers. This organization now openly invites people to join and ‘like’ its Facebook page. It’s called the ‘Flat Earth Society’. For centuries this Society has proven that the Earth is actually flat as opposed to being round/oval. This has been the West’s best-kept secret. But now it is out in the open, thanks to social media.


America and European powers have for long managed to overwhelm the entire world by convincing people that our dear planet is round/oval. Innocent people were led into thinking that one has to go round and round to achieve progress; until they were left feeling dizzy. This way they were unable to stop Western powers from exploiting them, steal their resources, and make them smoke cigarettes while those making and selling the cigarettes quit smoking when once they reached the edges of Earth and found no ashtray there. Well, something like that.


Basically, one can say that by creating a page on Facebook, the Flat Earth Society has gone rouge. It has come out to help millions of today’s inquisitive youth to fight the tyranny of the false concept of gravity. It’s quite a liberating feeling, defying this concept called gravity. And it is very beneficial too because defying gravity certainly helped a dynamic orange-haired man become the president of the United States. That’s why there is nothing down-to-earth about him. Or his orange hairpiece.


The most amazing thing about the proliferation of social media has been the way it’s been producing new, more exciting kind of scholars and activists. Indeed, now one doesn’t have to spend hours and lots of money doing research and studying books in educational institutions to become a scholar. Instead, spending just a few hours on Facebook and Twitter can make one smarter, sharper and far more informed. All one has to do is to believe that the Earth is flat and voila! You become attuned to deciphering hidden messages in simple sentences, especially those spoken or written by the round/oval-earthers. Here’s an example I just found on Twitter of how a new, more exciting breed of scholar combated the cleverness of a round/oval-earther.


The round/oval-earther tweeted: Hi guys, any idea where I can find Gillete after-shave lotion in Karachi’s Clifton area?


A new, more exciting scholar was quick to intercept this tweet and reply: Why you encouraging dil dil Pakistan men to shave? This what your reel massage reely is!!! Next you will ask for womans hair shampoo in Clifton to massage womans to take off hijab! Shame on you, shaver!!!!


There is more. An ambiguous Facebook post by a Pakistani round/oval-earther was tackled brilliantly by an Indian flat-earther.


The Pakistani posted: Had the best kebabs today at a Pakistani restaurant in Amsterdam. Yum.
The smart Indian was fast to decode what the Pakistani was really suggesting. The Indian replied: Hahaha, you Paki fool it was ancient Indian restaurant established by great-great-great-great-great-great


-great-grandfather of great Modi in 324 BC in Amsterdam which then was under ancient Hindu dynasty of Modi ancestor who never put beef kebabs on menu. Those kebabs you eat were cabbage kebabs otherwise waiter would have lynched you. You see how genius us Indians have become under Modi, jaye metaphysical hind!!!


Social media has also given birth to a different breed of activists. Ones who shares horrific pictures of mutilated people taken from Google Images and claim they were of what they (the activists) say were of, kerlo jo kerna hai. This is rather fantastic, really. It raises awareness about all kinds of crimes and brutality, even if the images are not of the event which the activists are condemning. Why should this be a criterion? Violence is violence. Yes, sometimes such pictures and information do get some other folks into trouble, but, hey, most of them are round/oval-earthers. They actually deserve it. But no harm in posting, ‘Thoughts and prayers for you’ for them. Poor sods. Earth is round, hahahahaha.

 

The writer is a Pakistani journalist, cultural critic and satirist. He is the author of two books ‘End of the Past’ and ‘The Pakistan Anti-Hero.’

E-mail: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..

 
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