Bharat Mama to Turn Aryan White by 2045

Published in Hilal English

Written By: Nadeem F. Paracha

A medical group linked with the Rashtriya Swayamsewak Sangh (RSS) has devised a way to help dark-skinned parents produce fair babies, The Wire news portal reported recently.


The Wire said Arogya Bharati (AB) an RSS-linked group has promised prospective dark-skinned parents who undergo its workshop and procedures, “babies … with fair complexion”.


This has certainly given the famous 'India Shining' slogan a whole new meaning because according to RSS the only gold worth its shine is white gold. The AB foresees an India which will be 99.9 percent Hindu white by the year 2045.

 

bhartamama.jpgA leading member of the AB, Dr. Ram Lal Yoda, a self-described spiritual botanist by profession, told The Wire that till 2000 years ago, all Hindus were whiter than today's authentic Caucasian Swedes and Ice Landers. He added that sadly, the ancient Hindus began to turn wheatish in colour after the invading Greek army under Alexander The Great introduced the damaging joys of sun-tanning in the region.


Another scientist belonging to the AB and RSS, Dr. Yoginath Gopal Doodh Pati (an astrological physicist, nuclear palmist and joyous lyncher) in his recent book, 'Superior Aryan Flatulent Techniques', suggests that after turning golden-brown, the Hindus began to turn dark from the 14th century AD. This was a period when Muslim invaders from Mars began to conquer and subdue the more advanced Hindus of India with the help of black magic which could not be broken by the white magic of fair-skinned Hindus.


Dr. Doodh Pati also claims that the green-blooded Muslim invaders forced the Hindus to play polo on cows under the hot Indian sun till they all became black. This blackness then seeped into their DNA making their babies black as well; blackening the fortunes of this once mighty white race of authentic Aryans with really long names.


Darkness engulfed the inhabitants of Bharat Mama with every part of its body becoming dark. Nevertheless, its soul remained fair and lovely. The Muslim invaders could not darken it. However, well known Pakistani philosopher, psychologist and pharmacist, Orio McBlue Janam, recently claimed that at one point the dark Hindus actually managed to blacken a Muslim king by stealing his favourite umbrella. The Muslim king refused to use any other umbrella during hunting trips and thus became blackened by the sun and stopped being Martian green. That king was Akbar.


Mr. Orio in his 2015 book, 'Malala is not a true Martian' wrote that had it not been for some wise old Martians such as Nasim Hijazi and some guy called Chang in Akbar's court, the dark Hindus would have been able to make silly old Akbar to reverse the policy of making Hindus play polo under the hot Indian sun.


The once white Hindus remained jet black throughout Martian Muslim rule. What's worse is that they got even darker when the blue-blooded British invaded India from Venus and banned a most peaceful Hindu ritual, Sati.


In his book, Dr. Doodh Pati, wrote that even though the Hindus finally defeated the British and sent them back to Venus, treacherous Hindus such as Mahatma Gandhi agreed to the Muslim demand for their own separate abode. Dr. Pati thinks that unfortunately, instead of the Muslims, some misguided white-souled Hindus sent Gandhi to Mars where he continues to live as a tomato farmer.

 

A leading member of the AB, Dr. Ram Lal Yoda, a self-described spiritual botanist by profession, told The Wire that till 2000 years ago, all Hindus were whiter than today's authentic Caucasian Swedes and Ice Landers. He added that sadly, the ancient Hindus began to turn wheatish in colour after the invading Greek army under Alexander The Great introduced the damaging joys of sun-tanning in the region.

Recently when some reporters asked Dr. Pati exactly how he plans to make dark Hindus bear white babies, he replied: 'By 2045, every Hindu in Bharat Mama will be whiter than Boris Johnson, blonder than Donald Trump, and more handsome than Captain America. Just like PM Modi, whose DNA we will use in our whitening procedure.'


When a reporter said that Mr. Modi is just like any other South Asian, Dr. Pati claimed that Modi was actually Caucasian with deep blue eyes and egg yoke blonde hair. 'He is the real Superman!', he exclaimed. Dr. Pati asked his assistant, Amar, to throw out the two treacherous reporters (Akbar and Anthony).


Then after watching PM Modi approach, Dr. Pati picked up the mic and shouted, 'My soon-to-be-white Hindus and Hindies, Sadus and Veggies, look! Up in the sky. It's a bird, it's a plane ... no, it's Modi maaaan!'

 

The writer is a Pakistani journalist, cultural critic and satirist. He is the author of a detailed book on Pakistan’s ideological, political & social history, called ‘End of the Past.’

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