Written By: Nadeem F. Paracha
The new CM of Uttar Pradesh (UP), Yogi Satiyanass Adityanath, has termed his appointment as the start of a glorious era in India. A modest, simple yogi, Adityanath, modestly claims to be a beacon of spiritual enlightenment, an ingenious politician, a brilliant zoologist and better looking than Shahrukh Khan and Salman Khan.
In fact he has issued orders banning the entry of both the Khans into UP until they publicly declare their admiration of Adityanath’s spiritual, political, zoological and physical prowess. He also wants them to milk his cows and feed his monkeys.
Adityanath was made UP’s CM by Indian PM Narendra Modi after his Bharatiya Danga Party (BDP) swept last month’s state elections in UP. Modi, who is a modern-day manifestation of the ancient and hallowed Red Indian Chief, Mogambo, believes that Adityanath is the right man to make UP what it was originally supposed to be: i.e., Uttarbandaana Shamkala Yaguna Yogipura Nagasaki – an ancient Cowtopia where men and cows co-existed in complete harmony because there were no Muslims; and the evil dark-skinned people were never allowed to venture out of their natural abodes in the city’s sewerage system.
As a first step to build a new Uttarbandaana Shamkala Yaguna Yogipura Nagasaki, Adityanath has decreed that for every fair-skinned Aryan-Hindu woman dishonoured by a Muslim man, fair-skinned Aryan-Hindu men are allowed to dishonour 102 Muslim women. He added that if a fair-skinned Aryan-Hindu man dishonours a fair-skinned Aryan-Hindu woman, then he will have to give two cows to the family of the woman.
He said, to a fair-skinned Aryan-Hindu man, giving away his cows was the worst possible punishment. After saying this, Adityanath began to weep and spent the rest of the day hugging his cows.
A modest, simple yogi, Adiyanath, modestly claims to be a beacon of spiritual enlightenment, an ingenious politician, a brilliant zoologist and better looking than Shahrukh Khan and Salman Khan.
During a speech he was delivering to a group of orangutans at a zoo in UP, Adityanath lamented that decades of the Congress rule has turned Hindu men into becoming Muslim women.
He said: ‘Muslims were allowed to freely slaughter cows and eat them whole. Their cholesterol levels went through the roof and their brains became overwhelmed by fatty tissue, making them stupid and violent. In other words, they became Pakistanis.’
He then added: ‘Meanwhile, the cows which the Muslims did not eat fell into depression after watching their comrades being so mercilessly slaughtered. As a consequence, they stopped giving healthy milk. The unhealthy milk consumed by fair-skinned Aryan-Hindu men made them physically weak. They became women. Or worse, they became liberals. They began to lose their Aryan complexion and started to look like fat Muslim men or worse, dark-skinned residents of the city’s otherwise excellent sewerage system.’ ‘No more!’ Adityanath shouted. ‘I don’t care what the liberals think about my ideas. I am not scared, because mard ko dard nahi hota.’
After saying this he spent the rest of the day feeding on medicinal plants to ease the pain he was feeling in one of his toes.
The new UP CM is yet to fully unveil his plan to turn Uttar Pradesh into Uttarbandaana Shamkala Yaguna Yogipura Nagasaki. But he has told the media that the plan is elaborate and involves some bold steps. He said that the plan also includes the setting up of a university which will revive the sciences invented by ancient Indians millions of years ago.
He claimed that the barbaric Muslim invasions of India subjugated fair-skinned Hindu Aryans, destroyed their technology and sciences, slaughtered their cows, made them drink date-wine and eat nihari and turned the word Batinda into tind. He said he was now here to set things straight and take revenge for all the atrocities committed by fat Muslims. ‘There is no place for Muslims in the new Uttarbandaana Shamkala Yaguna Yogipura Nagasaki,’ he said. Then showing the reporters what looked like a plastic toy gun, he said he will vaporize all the Muslims with this ancient laser gun.
He told reporters that the ancient people of Uttarbandaana Shamkala Yaguna Yogipura Nagasaki were travelling on flying machines, using nuclear-powered vacuum-cleaners and using Twitter, Facebook and Instagram, millions of years before fake white Aryans of Europe and America re-introduced them in the 20th and 21st centuries.
He showed reporters a rusty device which he claimed had been discovered at an archeological site in UP. He said it was an ancient nuclear-powered vacuum-cleaner which could also be used as a shaver.
He added that he has been using the device to clean the carpets of his office, and that he also regularly shaves his head with it. He informed that the Urdu word tind is derived from the old Sanskrit word, Batinda, which means ‘one who has a pure hairless Aryan head.’ He then showed the reporters his own tind and said, ‘like this.’
He claimed that the barbaric Muslim invasions of India subjugated fair-skinned Hindu Aryans, destroyed their technology and sciences, slaughtered their cows, made them drink date-wine and eat nihari and turned the word Batinda into tind. He said he was now here to set things straight and take revenge for all the atrocities committed by fat Muslims.
‘There is no place for Muslims in the new Uttarbandaana Shamkala Yaguna Yogipura Nagasaki,’ he said. Then showing the reporters what looked like a plastic toy gun, he said he will vaporize all the Muslims with this ancient laser gun.
When a reporter pointed out that the laser gun was a plastic toy, most probably made in China, Adityanath got him arrested for eating beef. After the reporter was dragged away by the police, Adityanath said, Mogambo khush hooa.
He then retired for the rest of the day to hold discussion on important spiritual and political matters with the cabbages in his garden.
The writer is a Pakistani journalist, cultural critic and satirist. He is the author of two books ‘End of the Past’ and ‘The Pakistan Anti-Hero.’