Written By: Nadeem F. Paracha
You are blinded by the Mohenjo-Daro culture. Even India is moving away from this culture. To them Afghanistan is the new Mohenjo-Daro and to the Afghans, New Delhi is the new Khyber Pass. India banned beef because they love Afghanistan.
So much has happened this year. So much to condemn, so much to mourn, so much to think about. Where are we headed? What will happen next? Why does whatever that happened, happens? Where to begin and where to end? What to say, what not to? What to ban and what more to? And I say this in the contextually contextualized context of Pakistan, India and Afghanistan.
For example, why so much anger at a ban on a modern consumerist trend, the Valentine’s Day in Pakistan? We must understand that terrorism can only be tackled effectively if we curb certain unsavory events which are just not part of our culture. Same way, the ban on cow slaughter and eating beef in India is perfectly fine. This will lead to a peaceful, progressive India ready to conquer peacefully progressive Afghanistan in a peacefully progressive manner. The reason Pakistan floundered to gain any support in Afghanistan was because its inhabitants eat beef. And celebrate the Valentine’s Day.
It is correct to ban events such as Valentine’s Day and Basant. Even singing ‘happy birthday to you’ should be banned. Or saying ‘hello’, ‘hi’, and ‘bye’; or watching Hollywood films. Or any film, for that matter. Or soap operas on TV, or listening to pop songs. Or any song, for that matter. Or using Twitter, or Facebook. Or the computer, for that matter. I will throw mine in the trash can after I finish writing this article. In fact, I will stop writing. Period. Especially in English. Then in Urdu. Then in the regional languages. Not part of our culture.
This will clear our heads to understand exactly why the Afghans seem to like Indians more than they do Pakistanis. Banning beef and calling for the dishonoring of secular women and performing yoga have strengthened the antma of Indians. This was best described by the famous Indian philosopher, scholar, linguist and basketball legend, Amitabh Bachchan when in his weekly show on the philosophical nuances of Sanskrit he said, ‘Ashun tarak kay shakuntala mein, antma rajniti ravan gosht ka sawal hai …’
So we should also ashun tarak ourselves and completely ban the Valentine’s Day. I must emphasize the importance of this. Such a banning is a wonderful initiative, really, especially in a country like Pakistan where babies simply fall from the sky on the waiting laps of abu and ami. It is because of the fact that so many Pakistanis still want to celebrate the Valentine’s Day that the Afghans don’t like them. The Afghans would rather have John Rambo, that great American soldier of fortune and a man of profound mumbling and those gallant heroes from India’s prime military institution, Bollywood, to ride into Kabul and make everything there fine. And then do a group dance, also called an ‘item number’ by the Merriam-Webster Dictionary.
You who are ill-informed still ask, why ban Valentine’s Day? Silly question. It is banned because otherwise babies will stop falling from the sky. Only hellfire will rain! You are blinded by the Mohenjo-Daro culture. Even India is moving away from this culture. To them Afghanistan is the new Mohenjo-Daro and to the Afghans, New Delhi is the new Khyber Pass. India banned beef because they love Afghanistan. This might sound strange because Afghanis are big time beef eaters, but what Pakistanis don’t know is that the Afghan intelligence agency were so pleased by India recognizing Afghanistan as the new Mohenjo-Daro, that it banned the sale of beef in Kabul. That’s why one can only find chicken, rabbit, deer, bison, duck and buffalo meat in Kabul, but never cow meat. Like, never.
As the great Pakistani physicist, philanthropist, chemist and cyclist, Oreo Famous Janam once said, ‘Gosht gosht hota hai. Chahey gaye ka ho ya bakri ka.’ So true, even though he did ask the state and government of Pakistan to ban the display of bakris in public. Such a sensitive man.
Brothers and sisters (actually, no, not sisters). Brothers, you ought to think long and hard about the fragility of our society’s moral fabric. Such a fabric is fragile. Its fragility is being tested constantly by Mohenjo-Daroan onslaughts. We must become defenders of this fragility because this fragility, like a woman, is fragile and vulnerable. Be the man this nation is asking you to be. Be the man this fragility is asking you to be. Or are you willing to become fragile yourself by blindly following all which is not part of our culture?
I hope I have already convinced you. But if you need more convincing, then I suggest you stop eating chocolate. Or smelling roses. Or blowing balloons. None of these are part of our culture. Eat nihari, smell guavas and blow your nose, instead. Then run towards a date-palm tree and hug it. You will see how good it feels. Or you can just blow yourself up, for that matter. As the great poet, thinker, author, intellectual and gymnast, Brother Sami Haq said, this is part of our culture. Not Valentine’s Day.
Attack that heart-shaped-balloon just like the Indians are attacking beef eaters. Such balloons must not make their way to a woman. She is fragile like our moral fabric. Defend her, because she is too weak to do it herself. Otherwise, like the Indians, troll her on Twitter. Call her names and threaten to cut her nose off. You will get a lot of retweets. You can then relax by doing yoga.
Keep those balloons and roses away from her because then she will stop being part of our culture and so will you. You will become a man of no culture. Or worse, of foreign culture. And she will become a houbara bustard. Hunted. The date-palm will reject both of you. Do you recall Jack and Jill?
Well, that’s that, I guess. I should not sound longwinded and tiresome. Because if one is rational, logical and cultural in the contextualized contextual context of our culture and fragile moral fabric, then he or she should have no problems at all to appreciate the advantages of the ban of events such as the Valentine’s Day. Or birthdays. Or Father’s Day. Or Mother’s Day. Or Sunday. Or any day, for that matter.
But what has all this to do with India and Afghanistan? Everything. Because do you know what the Indian military chief sent the Afghan military chief on this year’s Valentine’s Day? A yoga manual, a cow and a red parachute. Like, awesome. Like, no?
The writer is a Pakistani journalist, cultural, critic and satirist. He is the author of a detailed book on Pakistan’s ideological, political & social history, called ‘End of the Past.’